…Black or White, Hot or Cold, High or Low, Fast or Slow, Good or Bad, In or Out, Strong or Weak… I can go on forever. Think of those antitheses in there most extrem form, like on the Highest top or in the Lowest valley or Ice cold or Firing hot.
That’s how I and my life in general can be described. I have always been like this, but it has reached a point when I’m freaking sick of it! Please, let me for ones be grey, lukewarm, in the middle, moderate, neutral, ordinary, etc. OK, it doesn’t sound so funny, but it would have been so much easier.
Here’s an example of how I act: I’ve been sick for over a month now (and the reason why is my problem to rest long enough). Yesterday after have being home one day resting (read doing the laundrary, cleaning, pay the bills etc.) + sleeping twelve hours (to 3 pm) I decided I was well (my reasonation was that I rested so much that I had to be well). To be true to you and to myself I still hade a sore throught. But I persuading myself I was well I first took the bike to the gym were I wen´t on a special event and did spinning for one hour, slept 3 hours at the gym, then went for a yogaclass in the morning and then later in the afternoon went for another yogaclass.
And before and in between those things I did a whole lots of other things. During the whole time I was on the high, full of energy, living, loving for full. I was really, really happy, full of joy. Then in the evening, bang, all tired, sad, and low, and I mean really, really tired, sad and low. What happened?
To put it out clear: Either I’m like an up-chucked duracell rabitt full of love, or I’m a half-dead depressed zombie.
And I can’t seem to balance myself. It’s like I’m made to go on overload and then crash. To explode with love and then feel all empty.
Should I try to become a grey mouse? Is that what’s necessary to balance everything, and is it even possibly for me to live like that?
Confused right now!